on a saturday afternoon, irot and netsirk decide to take a little trip to the mall, hoping that they'd pick up some cute boys.
"irot, aren't i SO hot?"
"of course you are, netsirk. isn't my belly button ring so cute? my mom got one, too."
"definitely. oh, look! boys!"
"we better pull our shirts up, netsirk!"
"oh, yeah! good call, irot! wait... what are we going to do with our rolls of fat?"
"netsirk! how dare you call me fat!"
"i'm sorry, irot. i should have known that you think you're the hottest girl on the planet."
"you're hot, too."
as soon as they pull up their shirts, irot and netsirk start running towards the boys, except the boys don't look too happy about it. they actually look pretty scared.
irot: hey, boys. did you know god loves you?
netsirk: my friend irot was changed by the cracking of jesus' bones in his new movie, you know.
boy number one: that's morbid.
boy number two: god, put your shirt down! you have more rolls than a french bakery!
netsirk: oh, shoot!
irot: I'M NOT FAT! I'M BARBIE, I'M BARBIE, I'M BARBIE!
boy number three: if you're barbie, then i'm a pig's nipple.
irot: I'M BARBIE!
boy number two: yeah, and if you're barbie, then i'm the queen of england... except i have a penis.
irot: i don't need you jerks. i have millions of guys waiting for me.
boy number four: that's bullshit. i go to your school, and none of the guys like you.
irot: yes, they do.
boy number five: no, he's right. they all think you're a fake bitch. actually, they think you're an annoying, fake, fat, gross bitch who thinks she's god's wife.
irot: hey, netsirk... i think they like us!
netsirk: maybe he'll ask me out!
boy number one: the fuck i'll ask you out! i'd rather suck my dad's dick than ask you out!
boy number two: i'd rather date a herpes infected blister, bitches.
boy number three: yeah, cancer is starting to look pretty hot, now that i looked at you.
netsirk: let's go, irot. we don't need them.
irot: i am barbie, though.
netsirk: of course, you are. hey, would talking trash AT CHURCH help you feel better?
irot: yes! i do love jesus, though.
netsirk: i do, too!
as irot and netsirk leave the mall, they see another boy.
netsirk: a boy!
irot: you can take this one, netsirk... because you're SO hot.
netsirk: i know. i better hurry up and get him before he runs away from me... like most boys do.
irot: they're playing 'hard to get', netsirk. don't worry about it. he likes you!
netsirk: hey, boy.
netsirk: what's up, boy?
boy: nothing much.
netsirk: will you hang on a second?
netsirk: i'm just going to turn around, and shout to my friend, okay?
boy: that's cool.
netsirk: IROT! A BOY IS ACTUALLY TALKING TO ME! I THINK I'M GOING TO THROW UP!
irot: NETSIRK, LOOK OUT! HE'S RUNNING AWAY!
netsirk: WAIT, BOY! COME BACK!
irot: he's gone, netsirk. he's gone. i say we go to church and pray for him.
netsirk: good idea.
so, the girls are off the church. when they get there, they meet one of the youth pastors at the door.
irot: don't look at her, netsirk. we're too cool for a youth pastor.
youth pastor: hey, girls! how are you?
netsirk: we're staying cool... like we always do.
irot: yeah! i'm barbie... and i love pink.
youth pastor: alright...
netsirk: we're going to pray for the boy who ran away from me at the mall, so we'll talk to you later.
youth pastor: alright.
irot: i'll pray for you, too... because i'm a godly person.
youth pastor: i'm sure you are, irot.
irot: it's barbie, bitch! BARBIE!
netsirk: ready to pray, irot?
irot: pray? oh, yeah! pray.
youth pastor: wait... why don't you two come to the youth service in a few minutes?
irot: alright. sounds like fun.
netsirk: yeah, boys!
netsirk and irot start walking to the youth room, and the youth service begins.
youth pastor: hello, everyone!
all "youth": hello
irot: I'M BARBIE!
youth pastor: anyway... what we're going to do tonight is something very special. i'm going to hand out pieces of paper and pens, and you're all going to write about something or someone that you'd like to pray for. once you're finished writing, you can put your piece of paper into that basket over by irot.
"youth" #1: youth pastor?
youth pastor: yes?
"youth" #1: can you move the basket?
youth pastor: of course... but why?
"youth" #1: i'm a boy, and those bitches are boy crazy. look at them... they're already drooling!
youth pastor: you're right. i'll move it. is everyone ready?
all "youth: yes!
everyone begins writing, and eventually everyone's finished with their prayers.
youth pastor: okay, let's pull the first prayer out.
all "youth": what does it say?
youth pastor: it says, "i pray for my cousin, and her cocky boyfriend".
"youth" #2: is "cocky" a bad word?
youth pastor: no, it's not. let's move on, shall we? this next one says, "hlloo, mi nme iz berbie, ad im the sexyst tinagyr aleive. boyz flck 2 mi frnt dooor, ad mi hilbely pareints heve 2 sooot dem, bcuz im sew hott. i dnt taulk bd abt peepol, ethr."
"youth" #3: i didn't know we allowed illiterate liars into church!
youth pastor: darn it, irot! don't you get it? this is church, not school. everything you just said in this PRAYER is a lie. you're not barbie, and you're not the sexiest teenager in the world, either. the thing that really blows my mind is that you said that you don't talk trash about anyone, which is a total lie. that's all you do, irot. no one here even likes you... especially the boys.
irot: netsirk, let's pray for her.
youth pastor: i'm a youth pastor, irot. i can pray for myself. now, i think it's time you two leave, and stop pretending to be cool.
irot: fine, i don't need you, anyway.
youth pastor: that's a bullet through my heart, you dumb, fat, psychotic bitch!
irot and netsirk leave the church, and start heading for irot's home. when they get to irot's house, they see a sign on the door that says, "no irots".
irot: who's irot, netsirk?
netsirk: that's you.
irot: i'm barbie, though.
netsirk: your real name is irot, remember?
irot: whatever. i don't need them. let's go to church and pray for them.
netsirk: we can't go back, irot. we were kicked out.
irot: so, i was kicked out of church, and kicked out of my own house.
netsirk: let's go to your school!
irot: yeah... boys!
irot: boys... troys... toys... boys... roys... BOYS!
at that exact second, irot blows up.
netsirk: i have to copy her, since i don't have a brain for myself!
then, netsirk blows up, and the whole world rid of the psychotic bitch twins.